You keep saying your colleagues have different experiences than the ones you have. I'm not sure what that means. Do you mean knowledge wise, or personal wise?

If I didn't know about an academic subject very well, I would ask questions. This way I'll be involved. But in my experience, people don't like to talk about academics and science, at least most of them. It's just boring to them, even for PhD students.

Try to connect at a personal level even if you don't like it. As I said, I'm more or less similar to you, but it seems to me that it doesn't matter what you talk about, just talk politely and friendly. Your fear is preventing you. You need to face it. That's what I'm trying to do.

I also have the habit of not letting go, and keep arguing what people saying, even if it's a casual subject. No good for connections, especially if the subject isn't important. I'm trying to change that.

I think being present and listening is not a bad way to connect, just try to comment on things people say from time to time. If you keep afraid from something, then for sure nothing will change. I fell in this trap for many years, which put me in a near complete isolation, socially speaking.