Quote:
Originally Posted by Chummy
I'm not sure if I should tell my T about my feelings and thoughts involving her. She knows a bit. She knows I want her as my T and that I don't want another T. She knows I'm a bit angry that she's going on maternity leave and I have to see another T.
But about some feelings I haven't told her. I don't know if she maybe suspects some.
I envy her. She's beautiful and smart and funny. She has a good education and job. She has a boyfriend. She has a beautful, adorable daughter (I looked T up on facebook) and she's getting another daughter. I think she has a good life and is happy with her life.
I don't want to be a T and I'm not sure if I want kids. If I do want a kid, then I want a daughter. But I don't want to be pregnant. Pregnancy looks horrible to me. I think that belly from T looks disgusting. I can't look at her. I think pregnancy could be the death of me, so it's not that I'm jealous she's pregnant.
I want to be something more to her. I don't want to be friends. I want her to stay my T. But I don't want to be just another client. It hurts. I want to know more about her. About her life, her interesses, her family.
I know what therapy is and that what I want is probably not possible. I've been in therapy so often, but I haven't felt this about a T before.
I want to know what she really thinks of me. Something real. Not that therapeutic ********.
And I want a hug. I so want a hug. Just a short one. I want to know how it feels.
But most of all, I don't want to feel any of this. But it won't get less.
It's been like this for over a year, since I started seeing her again.
At the end of the month she wil go one leave. For 5 months! 5 very long months. I'll get another T. I'm now having sessions with my T and new T, to help me with the transition.
T says she will be back. But I don't really believe that until I'll see her again after those 5 months. She can say now she will be back, but she can change her mind. She has to give two months notice, so.
I don't know if I should tell her about this before she leaves? Or should I wait until she's gone and talk to that new T about all this? So far, I'm not really liking new T.
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I know this gets said on here a lot but the best thing you can do is to tell your T how you feel. I think you should tell her all of these feelings. You have 3 sessions left with her so you should say everything you need to so that when you leave at the last session you don't leave anything hanging for 5 months. You could write it all down and give it to her or read it to her or you could write her a letter and give it her. I know this is not easy for you so the best thing might be to say whatever you need to so you don't have any regrets.
It was very hard for me to tell my T about my attachment and how I envy her and my transference. It was rewarding to talk about it and I felt much better after getting it all out and seeing that she still accepts me no matter what. You are not wrong for how you feel. Attachment to a T is normal. Feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. I hope you can share all of this with your T and you can feel somewhat better. You could ask her how she feels about hugs and see what she says that way you are not directly asking for one. If she says she is fine with them you could ask for a hug at your last session before her break. I am pulling for you and I hope you can find some peace with this difficult situation.
