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Wow, I can so relate to what you wrote! Apparently my name says it all. I have been on meetup for maybe 4 or 5 years so far? Every group is different. Some are more relaxed and less cliquey than others.

I'm also terrified of rejection or seeming nervous. Despite having social anxiety around strangers, I sucked it up, said hi to people, and most people have been nice and polite in return. I have been ignored quite often in large groups, but when you're not a really outgoing person, large groups can be quite intimidating and hard to socialize in.

Try meetups with smaller groups or movie, hiking, walking ones like a few others have suggested. The ones that I'm in for my movie groups usually has a group discussion after the movie. I only stayed to talk about it a few times since its' so nerve wracking for me to talk in large groups.

Not even the valium helps at times- I can mostly appear OK on the outside, but on the inside, I'm usually a bit anxious. Basically just go to a few groups. If you don't like it, make an excuse to leave early and attend a friendlier group, or one that you like better.

Try saying hi to people. I have made the first move at a few meetups by approaching a few of the quieter women. And we clicked, so we ended up becoming good friends. I even met a former best friend at one. I'm still good friends with one quiet woman that I met at a movie meetup.

Don't wait for other people to approach you. Sometimes you have to be brave and make the first move. Some groups aren't that great, but the thing is to not take rejection to personally. It's easier said that done of course. You need to take risks in order to make friends. So go out to a few groups and see what happens! Talk to other quiet people who seem shy. There are also groups for introverts and shy people too, so join those. Small groups are usually less intimidating, so attend those first. Take baby steps.

Then eventually invite them out for coffee or lunch one on one, or a movie if you end up clicking with them. The worse that they'll do is say no, but I've never had anyone not give me their number before ever.

@Wandering Soul, also, post a real pic of yourself up. If you don't like how you look in pics, then wear glasses and a hat, and only include your face in it or something like that. The point is to have people remember and recognize you. Take tons of selfies and choose the best one. Smile in it and try to appear relaxed and happy. I've taken a few of these pics after having a few drinks which helps, LOL!