I am unsure how to cope or process things, I tend to disappear from things 'cause I have sever dissociation. I make myself forget the trauma, I don't talk about it because I don't want to allow myself to accept certain things that happened, happened to me.

I keep waking up from night terrors when I was a child, him over me, the weight, I see it. It takes me 30 minutes to know that no one is in my room or apartment. I wake up terrified reliving it all.

I have a counselor I see but I can't talk about it in detail. I trust my counselor, I just don't trust myself talking about it. I want to but I can't or have a hard time doing so. I dissociate during the session which is hard for me, my counselor knows which he checks in with me every so often on where I am and how I feel.

Sometimes, I want to sit there and laugh. I mean hysterically laugh because that's all I can express. None of it is funny. I am scared if I start to laugh that I will cry and hyperventilate and wouldn't be able to stop. I've only cried soft tears and I've been going for 2 and half years, I just let silent tears slide off my face, I make no noise. I am not sure why. I just feel like laughing when I talk about the trauma cause what else response or reaction should I give? Thinking about it is one thing, moment you say it out loud it sounds so messed up.

I am not sure how to get past it, being able to explain things or allow myself to just react however my body reacts. I'm not sure if that is normal, it's doesn't feel normal.