T,

When I think abot you, therapy, your big fat belly, this sick feeling goes through my body. I start thinking more. I get sad. Angry. More angry and hateful. Bitter. Hurt. Alone. Not important.

You know, I think I shouldn't have to pay full price now. Or for the sessions of the past months. There's another person (sort of) in MY therapy. Unwanted. Un-asked for. How can you have your full attention on me? If that being in there moves or whatever it does, then automatically your attention goes to that for a few seconds or longer. That's how it works with me. If I feel something, pain or tickles, then my thoughts go there for a few seconds/thoughts. For a short moment I'm distracted. It probably has happen with you before this all, but then it wasn't noticeable for me. Now I can see it. It's right there in front of me. It can't be missed. I'm thinking about it during session. Does she think about it. Last session I tried to avoid looking at you, but I had to a few time. I tried to only look at your face, but all of you can't be missed from my view. And I saw your hand go to your belly. Laid there. Moved a bit.
It made me sick. Unwanted. Like you rather have the session over with, so you can be alone with IT.

It's so unfair. I didn't asked for this. I didn't want this. I didn't chose this when I agreed to move with you to your new workplace.

From now one, the first question I'll ask a new T is if she can be 99% sure she isn't planning to get pregnant in the next 1-2 years. I don't want anyone under 30, but even people in their 40s still get babies.

This all isn't good for me. It's taking over my therapy. I'm not in therapy for that. I;m having exams in two months. You won't be there for me. I've difficulty concentrating. You won't be there when college starts. I haven't been to a real school in over three years. And the last few years of my school didn't went good at all. You know that.

Why didn't I stop when I could. When I was doubtfull you had enough experiences with clients with such strong si. But no, I stayed. And now I'm paying the price for it. I will always be stupid.