Quote:
Originally Posted by dexter
Scientia, I and many others here know the thoughts that come along with ideation that you describe. I am hoping that the fact that you posted here for help indicates that really you don't want help putting your affairs in order but are looking for some hope for an alternative and some relief to all of these thoughts that take over our brains when we are depressed.
Please act on your instinct to call a hotline. Try a few if you need to. My first call was unsuccessful, my second call immediately following got me to a hospital with a friend and that was ten years ago and I am still here because of that.
Please call a hotline or talk to someone. Help is available and the thoughts running through your head feel practical but they are the result of depression.
Hope you find some help and once you are on your way we here can offer understanding and support.
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Honestly, I worry that this post was just another manifestation of the thing that set me off: my entire psyche is one huge victim complex. And there's no way out of it.
In the time since posting this, I went to church, then got some food. And thought a little about methods: I have two versions of a very effective one in walking or bus distance, but the thought of actually doing anything made me burst into tears. This isn't the closest I've ever come (that was a couple months ago, shoving a bottle's worth of aspirin into my mouth then spitting it all out a few seconds later), but it's the most seriously I've thought ever.
I'm rethinking the hotline too. I've only used mental health lines once and they were useless. What do you even say? "I want to die/kill myself" are kind of duh statements, not very helpful. What could they even do for me? No one's going to convince me I have worth, no one's going to magically make me strong and powerful enough to take responsibility for my life... what then? I don't think I need to be hospitalized, I know from experience that won't do jack...
But I'm still here, haven't even gotten rid of my account yet.