the weekend away frankly did nothing for me. felt dead the entire time. apart from the overwhelming panic of course. whenever that cropped up it was actually worse than feeling dead to the happiness happening around me.
have figured out im back to being seriously depressed. maybe my meds are stopping working at this stage? all i know is ive been drunk or at least drinking non stop since last thursday and life sucks. tried si on thursday but was too drunk to do any real damage. would try it tonight but am hoping when i lie down i ll just pass out. however today ive so far eaten two bowls of serial which ive kept down, a portion of wedges with garlic pizza bread and a couple of pizza slices which i threw up and then the rest of the pizza. followed by a bottle and a half of wine and some chicken with cashew nuts and chips along with a couple of forkfuls of chicken fried rice which i also threw up. now im comtemplating finishing the chicken fried rice and the three portions of prawn crackers before throwing up again or just passing out in bed.
the problem is i feel i need to figure out something to talk to T about tomorrow but i cant focus on anything. last week we left it with her asking if i had any abuse history or if there was anything i wanted to tell her. i said no to both. i have no idea what to say tomorrow. its enough to make me opt for more bingeing, purging and eating instead of passing out. or maybe some si. i really want to just make it all stop. but whatever i do i ll end up waking up in the morning and having to deal with it then. life sucks.
so i bet you re all glad to have my whinging back. lol.
why isnt there a smiley that pulls its own tongue out or nails a metal plate over its mouth?