Dissociation is a damn powerful thing - allowing one to be totally distracted and even laugh as long as a pressing issue is out of mind.

Yes, I'm putting off talking. I think that scares me almost as much as dying. I tend to feel I'm better at expressing thoughts in writing.

I appreciate the sentiment, even if I can't believe it. I guess this all comes from a feeling that there's nothing more I can do, except maybe just exist for it's own sake. I don't want to do that, though.

I want to say it's unlikely I'll actually do anything... but I can't say that for certain. Like I said, I've never thought this seriously, or felt this hopeless. Is it really just depression, or more weakness and failure?

Here, this explains a lot: https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=...XqDFy9LFOtEEqw

I seriously question what's out there for me, if anything. I realized I'm almost incapable of communicating without exaggeration or self-denigration. I am absolutely guilty of using people as emotional waste receptacles; I have no idea how to do otherwise. Even the methods I thought of to actually do something - use my negativity as a propellant to success - apparently falls under "victim mentality". And of course, I almost never act on any advice or idea.

I'm in no immediate danger, if anything I'm back to my routine of watching pointless videos to pass the time. But I do wonder how long I can keep this up.