No you're not an annoying total stranger, and no I'm not posting out of moral obligation. I don't know you so I won't comment on your worth. The reason I am commenting here, and many of the posts I comment on, are the ones where they strike a chord.

One of your followup posts struck my heart even more. When I was in deep ideation many years ago, and again only recently, I also had specific plans, I had props in place, and thought about it constantly. And at times when I would think about it I would, like you, burst into tears. It was bad. I would cry constantly in my car and often start crying at my desk. My manager at work has been supportive--he lets me sit in his office when if I have a crying spell--and knows depression although he has a hard time understanding what is going on. What he DOESN'T know is that all of those times in his office I was crying because I could not see any path other than suicide for the constant pain I was in.

Please try a hotline again. For me it was awkward too, that's why my first call didn't go well. I stumbled in what I was saying and the person on the other end criticised me. Actually I was so shocked at that that I called again.

A call to a hotline is not going to cure you or make you feel better. Going into the hospital isn't going to stop these feelings.

What they WILL do is tap into that part of you that has you post here, has you thinking of a hotline, has you bursting out in tears when you think about suicide. Some part of you wants help, even if you don't believe that there is help or hope, some part of you wants to believe it.

I can tell you that there is help and hope. I did not die ten years ago. The friend that took me to the hospital had to come back to my house to get clothes and toothbrush for me, and he saw my suicide tools laid out as I was ready to go through with it. He read the suicide note that I had written and printed.

That was ten years ago. Getting well was not easy, it was a long journey, but that journey was filled with hope and eventually the support of friends.

Depression won't let you see that hope. That is what depression does. I can tell you over and over that there is hope, it can be waving in front of you like a flag, glowing like a beacon, and depression will block it out, dismiss it, that is what depression does. It is not sadness, it is a defective way of thinking that we have no control over because of whatever is going on in our brains. But it is fixable.

Listen to me and the others here, there is hope, and listen to that part of you that wants to believe there is hope, as evidenced by your words and tears, and take a leap of faith.

911 or a hotline... More recently I found crisischat.org link. Mixed results, sometimes I haven't been able to get online, but for me when I did connect it was much less awkward than trying to talk on the phone. That's just me but it is another avenue you can try.