Hello again!
Don't worry about asking questions, and thank you for your replies. I really appreciate it more than I can say. Hopelesspoppy and Skeezyks, your kind and thoughtful words really meant a lot to me. Thank you very much for taking the time to write that out. Everyone's comments have been awesome, and a big thank you for being so respectful and empathetic. It's so nice to feel like I have your support right now.
I'll try to explain better what I mean about the pronouns. So yes, most of the time when Cat talks to me, it's a typical conversation where she addresses me as "you" or mentions my name. But sometimes even when you are talking directly to a person, random sentences still come up that do involve pronouns besides "you." Like if you were talking to a friend and you told her, "Oh, I was thinking about you the other day, and I thought,
She would love this!" Or if you were talking to her about her relationship with a difficult family member, and you said, "Look, it doesn't matter if he thinks,
Oh, she's just being ridiculous, you know that your reasons are valid and you have to believe in yourself." Sometimes something will come with Cat, like if she mentions a hypothetical situation involving other people and me, and then she'll refer to me with pronouns in the example.
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Originally Posted by ruh roh
To the OP: Your therapist sounds like she needs some specific training in this area. Since you like her, it's probably going to be difficult to suggest she get some education around this, but that might be the only way she learns. She (like me) is probably just very dense in this area and needs to have it hammered home.
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That made me laugh.
In my experience, almost everyone I know has a really difficult time wrapping their heads around this and they don't even realize what pronouns they use for a person. So I don't think that this whole dilemma is just difficult for you and Cat.
Right now I'm actually trying to figure out another situation with Cat (which I have another thread about), but if all goes well and I can continue working with her, I will try to figure out how to talk to her more about this... on your note about Cat getting more educated around this topic, would it be inappropriate if I found some helpful information online and gave it to her? Or what would be appropriate for me to say/contribute? She is very intelligent and a good therapist, which I truly appreciate, and I don't want to seem condescending or belittling.
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Originally Posted by Sofya Semyonovna
I made friends with a genderqueer person, we'll call them Lex, about a year ago. It was the first friend I had ever had that preferred they/them pronouns, and let me tell you, it was difficult for me to get the hang of. When I first met them, I immediately assumed, based off their appearance, that they were female, and switching to they/them pronouns took some practice since I had never used them before. Any time I was speaking with someone and accidentally misgendered Lex, someone in the group would politely remind me of the correct pronoun. It helped being corrected in the moment, and over time, the gender neutral pronouns soon became second nature.
We live in a society that very much exists within a male/female paradigm. Though hopefully that will change as our understanding of gender changes, the vast majority of people have never encountered a situation where they had to use they/them pronouns. Maybe just politely reminding your T of your preferred pronouns every time she misgenders you could help. After a while, it will become ingrained in her that you use they/them pronouns, and it should become second nature. But, much like training a dog, it's helpful to correct her the moment it happens, rather than waiting for another day.
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It sounds like you did a great job with Lex, and I'm sure they really appreciate it. I generally haven't had much luck with my friends and family (or even people in queer spaces) making an effort for me. I agree that correcting Cat in the moment is best, but I feel like I would need to talk to her
about talking to her when that happens, because I feel a little anxious about it. She did once refer to me as someone's [gender]friend when I would have preferred the word "partner," and I did speak up then, but for some reason it's more difficult for me to defend my pronouns.