Awkwardlyyours, thank you so much for sharing that. I'm so glad for you that the worst is gone.
Yes, i have questioned whether or not i have a secondary gain.
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I didn't have the right to live the life I wanted to live, have the feelings I had and so on.
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That is something i can identify with.
I think the physical overlaps so much with the emotional, it's hard to tease it out. I do have major self-worth problems, so that is something there.
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what did I want to do with the depression? Did I want it to go away? Or did I want to just manage it?
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I'll think about this too, and keep talking about it with my therapist. I think one problem is that my therapist and i have been in a long rupture, like several months long. It seems over now, so maybe i can focus more on this rather than our relationship. Thankfully he stood by me, and even told me where he was wrong in some regards. This is the 2nd time we had a major rupture. After the first one was solved, things got much better for me.
Thanks for all of the responses. It's encouraging to hear your strategies and stories.