Firstly: You're not an awful person or mom. I think the difficulty is probably an effect of how you grew up. For which you are not to blame. It is hard to overcome. What I found left me at the most loss was what to DO. I knew what I DIDN'T want to do. People who didn't experience such things growing up cannot seem to grasp this void. It's NOT obvious! It DOESN'T necessarily come naturally! Sure, one can know in concept, but it is how to enact what will bring that about. What's worse -- and maybe for you too? -- is not even realizing this until you are in the midst of it. Like not foreseeing or fully understanding that gap. And like you say, in seeking to understand, fear judgement.

Like you, I didn't grow up with babies/kids. Never babysat. Not once. Had zero affinity for babies, even as a youngster. Example: in early elementary school, a teacher brought in her baby. The other kids all gathered around oogling and cooing. I was off to the side, not having a clue what possessed them to do this. All these memories came flooding back when I had my own. I have no business having a kid! What have I done?!!! (I feel the fear of judgment writing that even now.)

But he is grown up now. And I do love him dearly (despite still feeling inept). When he was a kid, it was hard. Sometimes more, sometimes less, often about parental role things (parent-teacher conferences for example). I couldn't relate to other parents. Hopefully you can't relate to these parts. But if you can,

He's got a good heart. One time he said, "You're not like other mothers. You're.... different. It's good though" (and proceeded with why he thought so). Just throwing that your way to let you know it can all turn out alright. They can feel our trying. They have more ability to see the good than we do sometimes.