I really haven't been coping well lately, at all. think I may be in some kind of mixed state?

Ive been pretty much stable for about two years on quetiapine now, apart from a light depression (I say light, they never really are though are they?) late last year.

I'm not well. I've had this severely vicious form of anxiety/energy in me for about two weeks now. Om monday I woke up and had the best day ever, decided to write a book, sacked work off like a FOOL (god knows how im going to be able to pay my friggin rent next month - i had the week before off work as well ), bought a bible and started studying it for this new novel I was so keen on writing. My mind has been racing like I dont know what, but in between I have been having this sore anxiety that has been pushing me under. I have been writing on my blog all week, just writing and writing to try and distract me from the anxiety or whatever it is but today it got too much. It was nasty today.

My daughter was wingeing about nothing in particular she was having a really off day. I just snapped. I screamed at the top of my lungs at her, grabbed my hair started tearing it out and I ended up in a ball in the kitchen floor screaming.

I dropped her off at her nans when I had calmed down and I genuinely couldnt cope with the energy any more. I sent a text to my boyfriend and told him I couldnt do it anymore, I said I feel at risk of hurting myself and that I didnt know whether to get checked in to the hospital, but I needed to tell someone what was going on before I got myself in to some danger.

I drove to a chemist, got some co-codamol tablets, and took a few, then just carried on driving. The co codamol kicked in after about twenty minutes and for the first time in weeks I felt free from myself. Free and light and good from this energy. I blasted my music on and I was on the motorway shouting at the top of my lungs to it. I panicked and it just felt to good to just DRIVE and the further from home I felt the better and more free I felt so I went and ****ing ran away didn't i?

I ended up in Wales, 100 mile away. I had no money and hardly any petrol left my the time I got there.

I know it sounds crazy like I lost my head, I did, but for the first time in ages I felt free from my anxiety.

Of course, my boyfriend got scared and convinced me to come home. I got home later tonight after a two hour drive home after he wired me some money.

Im home now, I feel okay after the release but I know this anxiety is going to come back and I dont know how to deal with it. Its like my brain is just saying NO now and not functioning when it's here. I dont know how to get rid of it but it is so nasty and painful. I don't know why it is there. What do i do when it comes back? I need help. I havent been this bad in ages/