Pfrog, it seems I can't message you privately, so I'll just put the thought here. Regarding the article I posted about victim mentality - I think this is the first time I've ever detected an accusatory tone in a discussion of self-sabotage. Because that's what affected me the most: how things like negative self-talk, self-blame, etc are totally the fault of the individual and contribute to victim mentality (also new - I typically hear that as a separate issue).

In some way, I know that that's the entire cause of why I feel so bad: it's all internal things. That I don't believe I have much control over, at the very least because they're true. It always has been. But cutting to the chase - surely a person who causes their own pain, who is entirely at fault for feeling terrible, does not deserve to get better. Their weakness, stupidity, manipulation, and failure of character surely outweigh that, if such can even be fixed. No wonder they point out a child can't "consciously accept" it. An adult even can't.

At the same time - and god this sounds pathetic - who wants to live with no internal life? No psychodrama, no feeling at the hands of unseen forces like the unconscious? Control is its own kind of death. I mean, if total control over all emotions and psychological forces is what's necessary to be an adult with character... is it worth it? To go through life mechanically, with all feelings managed and every action and thought regulated... what's that? Because that's how I see emotional control and control of thoughts.

Still in no danger, and this post is too long. Tomorrow I'll just be trying again, starting again. It's all I can really do.