I am. (Various thoughts):

I've been going through a tough time for the last 2 months. I had been doing well since a radical med change I made in the fall (dropped everything and switched to a MAOI). But the dose I was on was too activating, and by the beginning of December I got insomnia that raged on for 2 months. And the insomnia made me depressed all over again. Since I am depressed again, it makes me not very receptive to any suggestions or advice on how to make myself feel better. When medication is able to "crack the door" just a nudge, only then am I more willing to try things.

I have had more difficulty doing everyday tasks more than ever before. Since this is the therapy forum, I actually showed my T a photo on my phone of the current state of my living room. I had told her many, many times what a wreck my place was - and she believed me - but I felt it was time for her to actually see it. She said after seeing the picture that she was truly able to see what I was struggling with so much. "I see you have to make a path to sit down, that must be so frustrating."

About a month ago, I threatened to quit therapy the same day of the session because I had just had it - my mantra was "I don't care anymore." I just felt so defeated and like my depression wasn't even an illness on its own...rather, I felt like it had become my personality. She got harsh with me and raised her voice a little bit towards the end, but she wasn't yelling at me. "DON'T do this to yourself. You've had too many unsatisfactory endings in your life. If you want to leave therapy, of course that is your decision, but we need to discuss it over several sessions." I decided not to leave ultimately.

I seem to get the most benefits from a therapist who works with a psychodynamic orientation rather than CBT. I am quite a complicated person (but aren't we all?) with a rather unusual life story, so there's much more going on there than some sort of situational depression. Events that happened over 25 years ago are still behind the steering wheel of my life.

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