update:

For the past few days, he has been pressuring me to stay married because he says he is his old self while on the medication.

He has gone to see a psychiatrist, who prescribed him 2 NEW medications to go with the first 2. I have told him that our marriage is over, and that it has ZERO hope for reconciliation. On the phone, he seemed rational (for once) and said that he understands, and is deeply sorry for what he did to me, and that he is trying to get help. He also thanked me for being brave because he said that without that, he never would have even realized he had an actual mental disorder.

He was diagnosed a bipolar with neurotic behavior due to a chemical imbalance.

He called me today and said that the psychologist told him to make sure and let me know that A) he still cares about me deeply and B)that he very much wants to remain friends for both our sakes, and the sake of our son. I believe him because I know the TRUE him.

The problem is, the sound of his voice the past few months is like nails on a chalkboard to me. I have agreed to our previous arrangement where he will live in one room of our house while he completes school (he has 3 more months until he gets his degree) and gets on his feet on his own. I WANT him to be a sucess in life, and I want him to have a decent chance at healing and having a normal life once this is over.

He has said that he feels the only honorable thing to do would be to finish his degree, then turn around and help ME, but I honestly just want to be rid of him once this is done.

I do NOT want our divorce to become nasty or anything like that, and for the sake of our kid, i want to get along....but I get all anxious and "twitchy" at just the thought of him coming back home to live until he's done with school.

He told me that they psychologist told him that while he needs to accept the blame for his part to play (and he has been, honestly), he also needs to realize that I do not have the last word on our home or our posessions yet, and that until the divorce is final, he should also be allowed to live in a manner that allows him to keep his dignity.

He says he still finds me attractive and sexy, which makes me feel odd considering, but I know him WAY better than to be afraid that he will try anything. He *IS* a great father to our son, and he really, truly IS a decent person underneath his problem.

I just don't want to treat someone that has a legitimate mental disorder/chemical imbalance like a leper.

When he called he said he had to get something off his chest in order to let him heal, and told me that throughout our marriage, whenever he came to me with problems stemming from his childhood abuse (at the hands of his father, he recieved many, many brutal beatings), I made him feel as though I did not care, which made him feel neglected and "defective"...so he always secretly felt that he had something to prove or that he was unworthy of me because he felt "broken"....which caused an exacerbation of his problem with (as the therapist put it) self-mental abuse. He said he remembers the little voice in his head telling him to be careful not to hurt me when he was choking me because what he REALLY wanted was for me to try and defend myself with my pistol so I would shoot him....saying that he could think of no worse self-torture than watching the woman he desperately loves put a bullet in his head.

That statement I believe because he has demonstrated many, many times self-hate directed at his shortcomings.

Had this last incident not happened, and he has gotten help sooner, we would still be married, and I would still love him. I cannot help but feel regret that things did not happen differently or that we did not find out about his disorder sooner...but it still doesnt change the fact that I do not love him anymore and I do not want to be his wife anymore.