I'm so terribly sad and hurt and angry at the same time.

Yesterday my sister confronted me and asked me why I didn't want to date anymore and if I even wanted to have a family?!? I told her at this point, I wouldn't be bummed if I ended up not getting married or having a family. There are plenty of very nice people who don't get married and they are perfectly fine with it. I think this freaked her out a bit because she kept trying to nudge me into agreeing to be more active about pursuing a relationship. She even had the audacity to tell me I need to be "more open" to dating.

Is she out of her mind? I HAVE been open. I have gone out on dates. I have dated almost more people than my fingers can count. I am only 23 for peet's sake. What were you doing when you were 23? Oh yeah... studying and focusing on your career, too. JUST LIKE I AM NOW. Leave me alone!

I understand she is just worried about me, and I know it can be nice to have someone with you for the rest of your life, but I wish she would stop wedging the knife deeper into my heart. It's not that I don't want to date. It's that I CAN'T. Every time I try, I keep getting flashbacks of when things went wrong. I get extremely depressed to the point I can't even function. And then I end up hurting not just myself, but another perfectly innocent person who thought they were dating a harmless girl who turns out to be a depressed maniac.

I really just want to be left alone. I want to stop needing to live up to some standard of life that I have to be living. Why does it matter so much that I need to be married? Why can't it be about my own choices for myself? Why does it always have to be about what they think is best for me? If anything, I feel like she's the one not being more open minded to the fact that there are people out there in this world who choose NOT to be married. I don't think she has ever thought about that...

It hurts all over for my life's worth to be judged on that single factor. I cried myself to sleep last night. I can't do this anymore. I really can't... I didn't give up because of one silly breakup. It's because it hurts so f***ing bad when I can't please my parents in the slightest when I DO end up finding someone who makes me happy. They do nothing but criticize the poor guy because he doesn't meet their criteria. In the end, I can't please them being in a relationship and I can't please them being single. It just doesn't end. It never ends. These standards. I can't meet all of them. And I want to give up. I want to throw in the towel and say "I quit being your daughter."

I'm already the worst daughter anyway. My sister is the one who actually cares about my parents. I'm the ungrateful one. She's the one earning more, she's the one getting married, she's the smarter one, the prettier one, the more understanding one, the more outgoing one, the more organized one, the hardworking one, the more cultured one. Who am I? Just the one hiding in the dark corner because she's too busy crying about how she's a failure at everything in life.

I hate this. I hate it all. I can't ever please anyone. I'm no good for anything.