eskielover, yes a job could be a good distraction. Its not very many hours, and I am not sure about the work load but can't see it being too much. I have had jobs that require way more than this one. I used to work in continuing care at the hospital and home care as well. So compared to that job, this one would be a breeze. But that was a different time and place.

As for that train at the end of the tunnel, I had to giggle, cause that's one of my fears. (I think you know what I mean).

Wants2Fly; this topic is a tough one. Its hard to go on either end to make a choice. I have a hard time with this as well. My believes are the ones making this hard. Not that I judge anyone at all. I have a friend that was in a similar situation and she had an abortion, I don't think of her any other way, just that she needed to do it this way. It doesn't change who you are.

With my last pregnancy, these were the issues. If I could have carried our baby to full term, I would have most likely been on bed rest which just would not work. My doctor was not at ease with the pregnancy, and when I carried my other two kids, it was complication after complication. I was in the hospital for 4 months off and on with my daughter. I was 5cm dilated for the 4 months. Then my son, same thing. I could not work, and struggled taking care of my daughter. I had no choice to stay home and rest that time. My doctor said I am truly lucky to have the kids I do now. And I have heard this from a few others as well. They are right, its amazing that they made it through. It was meant to be.

But with this last pregnancy, I had complications from the start. ER trips, stress etc. They did not feel it was safe for the baby nor for me. With my kids, well I couldn't risk taking this chance, and I was in the middle of the court battle. Not sure if I ever told you all, I have a bicornate uterus. Its hard to explain, but any questions you have I will try to answer. Women have died trying to carry with this problem.

Pregnancy has a major effect on relationships. And ours is not so good right now. The tension in this house is terrible. Its like "walking on egg shells". It brings back the fear's of my ex. My bf is not physically abusive but he blows all the time. He scares me, I am waiting for him to lose it. He has been throwing little temper tantrums; throwing things, going in the basement and swearing, so on and so forth. Its making it an uncomfortable situation to be in especially the kids. He has been so hard on them that he makes them cry. Then him and I get into an agrument. Don't worry, I always ask to talk to him privately. My kids don't need to go through that again. I have been thinking about looking for a new place to live, without him. He was really good for a while, then boom, he was a different person.

But its my fault, I am causing this. No wonder why he acts this way. Putting up with me must be hard. I am just not one to freak on someone else. I like to talk and get to the bottom of things. But its like pulling teeth with him, I can't get anywhere. I even suggested for him to go see a t. I even looked into it for him, gave him the information, but he said I am the one that needs this. And all he does is read books about my illness and CONSTANTLY goes on about it, like his personal bible. I told him I am not a book. Yes, I think its great that he is learning, but the way he goes about it is terrible. I am sick of it. He was on my case day after day, every chance he got, throwing negative comments about meds. So I just said fine, I flushed the things down the toliet so he would leave me alone. Yes, the ones I had were too hard on my tummy, but I won't take anything else. I can't handle that again. He would even start crying when he saw me take them. grrrrrrrrrrrr. The point is, since he has been reading about illness that I have, he is suddenly a doctor and knows it all. FRUSTRATING. Like I say, I am not a book, so don't treat me like one. It doesn't matter what I say, he refers to others from these books. And I told him, I have read so many books already. The information he reads, I have already seen and understand. He treats me like I am completely without a brain. Even simple things, he pushes me over so he can do it.

Sorry, I have gone on again. I am so frustrated with this. I have already been thinking about taking a break from him, now it seems like I am pregnant. I had 5 tests turn out positive. But I am seeing my doctor in an hour and a half, so I will have him confirm either way.

So I will let u know of the outcome. Thanks for all of the replies. I am so glad to have you all. LUCKY is the word, you are all so generous.

Love ya, have a good day,

Justy