Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedbyself
I can completely agree and understand where you are coming from. I waited until very late in life to even trust a T to even begin this journey. I did no going in that the dynamic is the equivalent of hiring and emotional prostitute... Forgive my analogy, but it is the closest too realistic I have found.
I am like you, in that I know and feel and believe the complete worthlessness of myself also. The dynamics within the therapeutic environment are both extremely helpful and extremely painful. I know there is someone who truly tries to be helpful and care, yet it takes money to finally get that compassion. I don't doubt there is truly A level of care, for therapists would generally not go into this field. But I am also wise enough to know that the caring honestly has nothing to do with me, for Who I am, just their professional choice. It is the hardest when there are no others in our world due to what we have done to ourselves based on our past and then when we open these wounds to attempt to make life better, all we really have around us when we hurt is the proof of our aloneness because the only person we have let him is one of a business deal that cannot truly be there beyond very specific parameters. And if that is not all hard enough, if you are anything like me, every time T has to make changes or cancellations because of understandable life circumstances, everything in me knows that it is truly just that he can only deal with me for so long before needing a break and will use or take any opportunity to not have to deal with me. Even if I try to rationalize and tell myself maybe it's not true, everything in me knows it is.
The bigger question I can't figure out is beyond the therapy but in why it seems the people who have been hurt the most and are the most caring people are the ones who seemed to be left alone to handle life and those that are hurtful to others and really can be so self absorbed seem to have caring people all around them. I don't understand this!!! I would never hurt anybody even when it has meant harm to myself, I would do for anybody, yet I am alone to face these demons everyday. I will say I have learned a lot about priorities thinking about what others want compared to what I want. Right now more than anything in the world I just want somebody next to me to tell me at night that I could go to sleep and they won't let anybody kill me before the Sun rises. I do wish somebody could explain what is so wrong with me and those like me that God decided we had to not only go through the lives we did but we are destined to remain alone and have all of our belief confirmed on a regular basis.
Life, I do not understand. .. sorry if my response is too over the top, but last night was a minimal sleep night to avoid the nightmares and yet stay awake to feel like I could stay alive, but honestly I'm here. I don't know if this was all what you were thinking or if I am on a WildTangent, but I think I understand your premise and I'm sorry you have to live this life also!
|
First, just let me say your comment IS NOT OVER THE TOP! You touched on some salient points that many here would like an answer to. I started walking thru the MH system most aggressively in 2011. My provider is the VA. Suffering from chronic insomnia brought on by depression/GAD my life looked dark and I planned to take my life. Fortunately SSDI was approved and my sister helped out until the payments began. I had worked using insight to try and remove the thoughts, feelings, regrets and lack of forgiveness that I 'assumed' were the root of the problem. I thought I succeeded but still had the same symptoms of depression. In fact they're worse. Even lost ten pounds without trying. Initially therapy was a godsend as I was able to voice my issues with someone without the fear of judgment. This lasted about 3.5 yrs. At that point I realized that the T was going by a 'template' they learn in college. In addition they were trying to set 'goals' for me. Both of these epiphanies disturbed me. They say do this or that or you should exercise and eat more healthy but I realized this wasn't me. When you're depressed changing habits after 50 years is no easy task. Add to that I have no hope for the future(I'm 59) it seemed useless to keep going on with the therapy. It also appeared that they were turning my thinking back on me(reverse psychology, I guess). My friend, I may be depressed and anxious but I refuse to let an over educated 30 something tell me how I should think. Like you I do not run around breaking the law, drinking, doing drugs or generally creating/adding more problems for myself. Those of us that suffer from depression/anxiety are more attuned to ourselves than anyone else including, a shrink or T. I have read many articles on this site that attest to my beliefs. I've learned to like what I am despite the depression and all it's negative connotations. You expressed indignation about how those that use, lie, deceive and are just plain obnoxious have lots of people around that 'care' about them. You are very observant. Then you are confused as to why folks like us have little if no support at all. I can't give a clear concise reason for this. My response to this attitude is isolation and withdrawal(my T wants to bring me out of this; fat chance). The 'world' doesn't like perceptive people like you. You see right through them. You won't tolerate pretense(neither will I). You are a sensitive person who can be easily manipulated or abused by others who only want to 'feel' good about themselves. I thought Christianity would benefit me but have never been able to get very far with it. It seems religion is like therapy. Do this or that and if you don't you're a failure or worse, going to hell. Both claim to have an answer but; do they? In closing; we live in a highly complex world. Many of us would like to be independent, work at what we like, live without someone criticizing our every thought or action. We are forced by modernity to interact with people that can be downright vicious, selfish, greedy, unreasonable and ignorant. You sound like a kind, moral, real and unpretensious person. Hang onto that. I don't have a solution so I just stay home avoid people as much as possible and enjoy what I have. You can always send me a message if you need to vent. Take care.