you are having a really hard time...
i do this sometimes... but i push people away so much that i dont show my real emotions and end up putting on a show - not by choice.. but because its like instinct to not let anyone near me...

your bf is close to you so he is going to take the blunt of it most of the time...
dont blame yourself... i know how it is... i have done this to a person i love bfeore too...

what i do is try to delay everything, all of my actions - my thoughts race... but i try to delay every action... to give myself time to check, verify, and make sure that its ok to do what im going to do.. make sure its what i want to do...
its not easy and its impossible to do all the time.. but the more you practice the more you can kind of monitor whats going on you know...

it can be really tiring monitoring all of your thoughts and actions though, so i dont know if this is a good thing to do or not... i am by far not a professional and am just telling you what i do... it doesnt help all the time but most of the time it helps me stop from making a bad situation worse...

i know you care for your bf and you dont want to hurt him and you feel horrible for putting him through this, but try not to blame yourself... does he understand your struggles?
if he understands then he will stay by your side... knowing that its not you, but its this illnesss...
i know it sucks.. i wish i could say a magic word and cure you... but all i know to say is try to share what i go through and how i handle things... i know most of the ways i handle things are horrible and i dont tell anyone to do those things, but maybe the monitoring thing isnt so bad... even though it takes a lot of energy...

its not that you do it on purpose ya know? its just that these automatic things cause these problems for everyone we love... especially the ones closest to us... so i just try to monitor everything i do and say... im an extremely quiet person / introverted though so maybe its little easier for me... than an extroverted person...?

spill over here, is ok.. i understand you
if there is anything i can do to help i would love to help...