I live 10 minutes away from a state park, and there's nothing quite like terrifying nature to cleanse one's soul. Or at least, to brood about stuff read on the internet. Seriously, though, I drafted this on an observation deck.

I often find myself troubled by the right way to live, and today I'm mainly disturbed by two options: is it better to drift nihilistically, "waiting to vanish" as one person put it, ascribing no value to this temporary world or anything in it? Or to chase whatever nonsense your heart desires, barring harm to others since that benefits no one - otherwise, you want romance, prestige, beauty, drama, go for it! This is all you've got, and really, the future nonexistence of the world is kind of a non issue. So might as well live your story.

Both have their benefits and drawbacks. The nihilistic option seems peaceful (for example, someone explained that, to the nihilist, there's no such thing as failure), but a really boring, empty kind of peace. It also looks/sounds more intellectual, but what kind of life is ultimately waiting to vanish?! However, the other option is certainly more fulfilling and exciting, it honestly sounds more "real" to me, but doesn't it lack depth? It requires, or at least involves, taking the ideas of the world seriously, which nihilism doesn't. But aren't they serious, in a sense? Or am I just too stupid and brainwashed to understand the truth?

Then I thought, these are really two ways of dealing with the same issue, the same emptiness. You can give into nothingness or continually run from and fight it. So then...wouldn't that make nihilism the correct answer, the truly correct way to live? Because you'll never outrun it - you'll constantly be in and out of emptiness until you die. The nihilist experiences none of that. But at the same time, that kind of giving in doesn't sit well with me, it takes away and denies too many things that seem important - things smarter people deem illusions that keep the stupid masses happy. You know, like feelings of meaning and value, or a sense of narrative or authenticity.

Then I thought it's a head vs heart issue: the nihilistic path is all head and the lack of heart disgusts me; the ambitious path is mostly heart and seems to require denying the head to perpetuate itself, which my pride won't allow. If I follow the nihilistic path, I'll be frustrated. If I follow the other path, I'll feel ashamed. And I worry that neither will fulfill me or give me peace.

Asking for thoughts 'cause I'm bad at thinking.