So I am dealing with PTSD and dissociation ... which surfaced due to Childhood Trauma which I have only a small memory of. All this steam rolled in December following a bad reaction from Nortriptyline to treat my migraines and then Trazadone to treat the insomnia that came from taking the Nortriptyline.

Anyway ... I was with my therapist today and he finally explained to me why I had such a complete meltdown on the Trazadone (Which I did - suicidal idealizations, dp/dr, full body shakes, the works!). He explained that trying to sedate someone who is suffering from PTSD is very hard without triggering all sorts of distress. I was already so hyper aroused that trying to put my body in a relaxed state with the Trazadone cause me to struggle even harder to be more alert. The whole experience was the worst feeling ... but it feels so good to have some form of explanation for why I reacted the way I did. I am still recovering from the effects of it almost 4 months after ... but really starting to see improvement now. And when I am finally able I will deal with the trauma.
Of course there is way more to my story - and why this memory of trauma has started to resurface after almost 40 years. For now I am just so happy knowing I am not going mad ... and it really was the drugs.

Today has been a good day.