Realizing some coworkers already defriended me on Facebook. Decided this is because I am worthless **** who nobody likes anyway. Possibly also related to the fact that I'm fat and ugly. Deleted about 90% of my Facebook friends, including everyone but 3 people from work I consider real friends.

Then heard from another girl that the one person at work I consider a real good friend was listening to the oher people talk about how I cheated the system and missed days and brought in doctor's notes from my psychiatrist, but mental illness isnt a real reason to miss work. It's not like I was "actually sick" or anything. Anyway this one "real friend" was just agreeing with the other people.

Feel like worthless subhuman garbage right now. I don't think a single person there really liked me. I feel like an attention-seeking, lazy, incompetent person with a made-up illness. It's bad enough I was fired for being mentally ill, now I'm wondering if it's even real or if I made it up. Feel piled under so much self-hatred. All I want to do is hurt myself. I never want to see any of those people again, and I was feeling sad about how much I was going to miss my cowlrkers.

My minister who has been such a huge support, source of strength and love for me is retiring in June. I'm not sure how to cope with this. She's moving away. Loss is heartbreaking and I'm so used to her being there.

Feel awful that my pdoc thinks I should apply for subsidized jobs for people with mental illness because "it's okay to accept extra help when you really need it." Something about being told he no longer thinks I'm capable of working a normal job is really sad. I also don't think he believes I'll recover anymore. Psychologist still thinks I will, but after the last serious SI incident, my pdoc seems to only care about my safety not talking about going back to school or aiming for recovery. If I mention something like going back to school it's "let's make sure you're physically safe for now." What kind of life is that? "Well, at least I'm safe."

Feel like giving up so badly. I'm 33, is it time?