I've clearly not met the right people, but the right people are so few and far between as it seems that my beliefs are always in the minority. The culture of the things I'm involved in through school and career are men's subfields and there is a subtle message throughout most that women shouldn't be there. I'm apparently very liberal politically and I've lived my whole life in red states. I'm on college campuses so there's quite a few other liberal minded people, but still, I'm in the minority there. I don't talk politics, but I'm sure people know I'm very liberal, probably more than I realize. There are very polarizing views within the department as well; all the pro people are friends/get along with each other and all the anti people are friends/get along with each other. The pro group is in the majority and has nearly all the power. The anti group is just screwed by the pro group. Guess which side I'm on? I don't foresee finding many colleges with the anti philosophy as the majority and so I'm not sure where I'd fit in anywhere. I just found out tonight that my doctorate from this institution won't be recognized overseas, so I'm stuck somewhere in the Americas so I have limited options.

I was on anti-anxiety medication for years. I didn't feel like it helped much. I got much closer to making friends after I stopped taking it. The only thing that really helps is smoking and weed is illegal where I live and I need lung capacity for what i do so smoking tobacco on a regular basis is out. Even alcohol doesn't help. If they could put the effect of tobacco in pill form, I'd consider it, but taking psych drugs is kinda taboo so I'd like to not go back there.

The thing that's always bothered me is that it seems that I have to sacrifice my core beliefs and create a new persona/personality in order to make friends. I've found one person in my 27 years of life who has actually liked me for who I am. Maybe there was a second one years ago, but I'm not sure.