i really appreciate it..

when i first joined PC i was just looking for some answers because they had dx me bipolar... it confused the hell out of me...
but i researched and listened to other bipolar peoples and i realized it really wasnt bipolar... i practically self diaxnosed myself with the exact same thing this psychologist dx me with in feb for 1500$ like 3 years ago, by myself ;S

but the mental health clinic i was seeing would not listen to me... i guess they thought i couldnt know what what was going on with me... like i had little insight...
thats just part of my problem though, i know alot more than i should know...

after getting re-diagnosed and learning it was adhd - MDD - anxiety ... not bipolar..
i started hanging out here on the depression subform... i relate so much more to all of you... but i am so so sorry that you all feel these things too...

the psychologist didnt diagnos me as avpd, i think because he didnt want it to be on my diagnosis..? or maybe i just dont have enough criteria for him to wanna dx it - but in the notes i got from him and what he said is i have avpd traits, and thats the same thing i told the therapist 3 years ago... but she said that it wouldnt be good for me to be dx with avpd because its incurable...

i will do stupid things to avoid something that will make me more uncomfortable... like - i mean i dunno... sometimes i feel so retarded but i know i cant be stupid being sort of like a master manipulator of situations... because i have to have everything play out in specific ways for everything to work out the way i need it to so that i can go about my buisness without having to deal with too much bull@#@$....

i dunno what you call what i do... i dont think its a bad thing...
i just reflect what someone is projecting to me - but i avoid all of the negative - so i come across really friendly... but when you are talking to me you'll think you've known me for ever until its over and alot of people seem to be confused ... i mean the ones that dont know me... i dont know how to explain it, but its the only way i can keep from destroying everything you know...

i just lost it earlier....
i have a hard time being sober you know... and the one thing that is really hard for me to go without is the weed and i have been without it for 5-8 days ... and i know its stupid but it helps me....
and just earlier i had it lined up to do it and this guy was talking stupid about the quality of the stuff and i was like i know what the hell im talking about and just kind of snapped and i NEVER cuss but i cursed him out i told him while cursing him out that im not mad at him im mad cause hes "****ing with me "

i never do that... its just this guy... i have snaped on him like 2 times before and i dont snap easy... atleast not anymore... i have done it to my brothers and ... well just my brothers in the past... and this 1 guy grrr.... i think its because i hate reflecting him... because i dont like his persona... but hes a family friend and i think he's really just retarded from too much alcohol all his life? i dunno... feel bad for him but he pisses me off too...

sorry im ranting... few beers ... bottle of wine.. sigh...

i wish i could change, how can i trade this life in?

i know everyone will say there is a will there is a way and i can change if i want to and stuff but...

this is the only live i know.... i have been doing this too long....
guess thats why i even started with the self harm...
i mean... SH started like ... geez... i actually have no idea...

why is my brain repressing everything?
im forgetting everything... god i cant remember anything anymore...
i need serious help.... my brain is taking emergency protocols to the max and my psyche is not going to be part of it for much longer it feels you know what i mean...?

scared im going to split my personality or ... brain dead....

i just wish i had someone here with me right now... with me in real life you know...
i mean not even to talk... but just to be near and understand me... tired of no one understanding....

people think im just sad... depression is not sadness... depression is.... death alive, walking death, you are not alive depressede.... its not sadness.... its hell....

:'( so tired...
i just wish there was a way i could tell everyone that im really sick and im trying really hard but you all have to help me a little and just give me some space because im dieing here.... :'(