I guess I could also describe it as the "arrogant, aggressive alpha male". It's more of a thing in the jazz/popular music world. It doesn't matter as I came up with a less vague description. But you could probably see why this is difficult when you're female. It's not as apparent to the outside observer because I have such low confidence and self-esteem. And because I was female, I thought I couldn't/wasn't supposed to pursue the lead player route. So I've yet to really try and it's always bugged me. It's actually kind of subtlety frowned upon to be a female trumpet player unless you're the hot blonde type. And I'm certainly not that. It's very rare that a guy finds me visually attractive. But that's beside the point.

The point is that most things I am and am interested in is supposedly "inappropriate" for a female. I really resent being female, to the point that I've been asked multiple times whether I'm transgendered. Maybe I'm something non-binary, but I'm not transgendered. There are times I really wish I could magically switch body parts and switch back…it's hard to explain.

I've had a hard time figuring out my identity (beyond gender) and where I fit in the world (somewhere in music, but that's about as specific as it gets) and it's probably hard to relate to others who all know where they're going, many of them are married, etc.