Alright, people want and deserve honesty, so here it is:

I just hate where I've wound up in life, I'm in a stupid rut which is of course of my own making, life literally feels like a prison, and I've had enough. I can't (and shouldn't!) put up with this anymore. If I make two lists, one of which is everything with a positive effect on me and the other one everything that has a negative effect on me, and then use them as a checklist, the positive list keeps getting shorter and the negative list longer as time goes by. I'm not imagining this. I'm not feeling fed up, down, defeated, angry and upset just as a morbid hobby over here.

I do NOT need to be trained how to reframe my perspective, pop yet more pills that have random and not particularly helpful effects, or any of that jazz. I NEED A NEW LIFE. I need objective, real world change. Getting said change feels like trying to transform an elephant into an osprey, when the only tools you have are a piece of bubblegum and a short length of string. I need MacGyver!

The question I ask myself is, "ok bright spark, what do you keep doing or not doing that keeps getting you into a ditch like this over and over again!? YOU are the only common denominator here, right?" and the only answer I can come up with, is that my self confidence (especially social confidence) and self esteem are pretty much shot, and I have a horribly pessimistic outlook plus I tend to brood on things. I wasn't always like this! I think "baggage" is behind all of it ... the little bundle of interconnected fears and self-doubts we all have due to past events where we fell down and then something or someone pointed, laughed, and kicked us where it hurt most (metaphorically speaking).

All I know is, I'm headed for a REALLY bad time if I don't start pulling out all the stops. I'm nearly 50 and feel more like an insecure 14 year old going "ohhhh I have a bad feeling about this...". This needs to end. Now. No, I CAN'T take this anymore. I feel like I'm losing "me", and not in anything like a good way. I'm just plain decompensating, I guess.

I just ... need to dream again, and plain old stop being afraid of things ... especially my own chronic doubts and the "naysayers" of this world who always seem to have direct access to my own head. I am scared. I am fed up. Mostly I just feel enormously numb lately.

I need ... to be me, with my stupid neuroses removed. Do they make neurosis vacuums? Which brand do you prefer - Hoover, Electrolux, Bissell, Dyson ... ?
I need ... that negatives list crumpled up and burned (and stomped on and buried and chopped up and buried again only deeper), and that positives list actually showing up in my life more. So far, I try ... aaaaaand either it doesn't happen, or you get so far and then Life goes "thanks, that's on loan, I need it back now. kthxbye." DONE with this. Really am. Dear Life, just ... shove it. Really. Get a hobby. Idiot. You're fired!