Apparently it's like this all over the UK. It might be better further south but I'm in the north and people are struggling to find help and if you go to the doctors they just shovel anti-depressants into you without referring you to a mental health team. And if you do get deemed "serious enough" they send you to a mental hospital which can be anywhere from 50 miles up to 200 miles away from your home city. It's pretty horrific. The last part - distance - doesn't bother me since I'm pretty much alone in my house anyway.

I've been depressed for about 5 years, I was first referred to the Child and Adolescent Mental Health team (CAMHS) when I was in hospital 3 years ago for suicide attempt. I was 14 I think, they sent me home and I saw a clinical psychologist every 2 weeks. I then felt better and stopped seeing her. A year later, I got drunk and passed out alone in my room, I was still 14. My mum was at the end of her wits and forced me to start seeing someone again. Since then, it's been very on and off. I moved country in 2013 (I just turned 16), went to go live with my dad. I tried to move and live with him in 2011, but had to come home because he it turned out he was an alcoholic. But, nonetheless, my impulsivity resulted in me going back there. Came home in the August, started college in September, dropped out of college by October. I then sat at home depressed and suicidal for a year, tried college again and managed to last until Easter (that was last year, so 2015). 2015 July, I ended up in hospital again, twice. Got referred to the adult mental health team in July and since then it's been pretty pointless.

And all throughout this, I will go through a period of a month of being severely depressed - not showering, not eating, my anxiety will be through the roof and I'll be pretty severely out of it. Then for a week or two, I get a period of "happiness". I'll go out every day into town, go shopping, spend all my money, move country etc. I put happiness in speech marks because I have no idea if I'm actually happy. It's more of a false state of happiness where I am high strung, irritable and very impulsive.

Lately I've been having much shorter episodes, so I will be depressed for a few days and happy for a day and so on. Yesterday was like that, I got up, got dressed. My boyfriend came and picked me up to get a McDonalds. I ended up buying a MacBook with money I don't really have to spare. I still don't necessarily regret it but I definitely didn't need to spend £1000 and probably should have thought about it. My impulsiveness gets me into a lot of sticky situations. I spent about £600 on a holiday for me and my boyfriend, again, money I didn't have to spare really. I got a dog last September - first dog I saw, I took home. Same with my cat a few years ago - went to the shelter, saw my cat and took her home before looking at any of the others. Oh and last week, I went to the pet shop to buy my dog her food, I ended up ringing my mum asking if she'd let me bring home a rabbit. ??? I don't even know. I love animals but I'd never even though of a rabbit before.. I ended up crying in the car with my boyfriend and the next day I forgot about it and was onto a new thing.

I also do this with my career choices. The thing my depression hasn't robbed me of it my hope for the future - which is awesome, don't get me wrong. But I have a lot of interests, or at least a lot of options I could see myself enjoying. One day I want to study law, next it's biochemistry, next it's physiotherapy or nursing, next it's history or english. I've always been like this and it's causing more and more anxiety as I get closer to applying to college for a 3rd time.

I hate my brain, absolutely 100% hate my head. I hate how I think and how I behave. I've got a million and one things I could talk about - not just impulsivity and depression/anxiety. Ugh. I'm getting to the end of my wits.