I've been off depakote for just under two weeks now - have been hypo since its been fully out of my system. Felt 100% awful and dead and not like myself while I was taking it. It was like I'd been given a horse tranquilizer or something it was really bad.

I'm seeing my pdoc today for the first time since being prescribed depakote in the first place. I know she's going to put me on something else but I don't know what and I can't stop thinking about it.

What if this doesn't work either? What if it's worse? What if I lose myself again? Is it worth it? I don't know!

But it must be worth it. I mean... I know I can't stay like this. No matter how nice it might FEEL to be hypo, I don't get anything relevant accomplished, I spend all my money and just generally make poor decisions. And I know it's only going to continue to escalate and eventually reach true mania if I don't stabilize somehow (SIDE NOTE: I was misprescribed an antidepressant several years ago and it triggered rapid cycling in my bipolar and I'm now dependant on it).

I'm just so tired of all of this.

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