Hi all,

I just found this site today, and I think it will be very helpful! I apologize in advance if this post is extremely long - there's just a lot I need to vent because I don't have the opportunity at home! I am 22 years old and living at home (temporarily, while I get back on my feet after paying college bills for four years). I am the oldest of five children in my family.

I am having a difficult time being happy at home, due mostly to the behavior of my mother. I think a major problem is her excessive use of the internet. I have read Dr. Grohol's thoughts on "Internet Addiction", and I agree - it's likely just a way of hiding from life's problems, rather than a true addiction. However, it is a big problem. Mom has always stayed at home to raise the kids, and has not had a job outside the house since before she was married. These days she spends several hours each day on the internet, primarily playing online games (not gambling). She stays up usually past midnight, then wakes up fairly early in the morning to do a few household chores before going back to the computer again.

I want my Mom to do something she enjoys, but at the same time I feel resentful that she doesn't put the same time and effort into caring for the people she lives with! She often treats her children like peons, asking us to do little tasks for her while she's on the internet (ie. Get me a glass of ice water, go pick up your brother from baseball practice, take care of the dog). I have always had respect for my parents, and of course would do what I'm asked, but I think these constant demands are unreasonable - she could even use the exercise involved in getting her own glass of water! She has even joked with other people that she has her kids "trained" so she doesn't have to do certain things herself. Mom has a virtually non-existent social life outside of the internet. When she does meet with other people, she is much nicer to them than she is to her own family. She rarely spends quality time with my Dad anymore - he's usually in bed before she's off the computer. Mom is very protective of "her" computer (in reality, the family computer), and rarely allows my brothers to use it (unless for homework), despite the fact that they rarely spend time at the computer. Last night one of my brothers, who has not used the computer in weeks, had been playing a game for only a few minutes when Mom came into the room asking him to log off. When he complained, she said "ok, go ahead and use it, but I'll remember this next time you want to spend time with your friend".

For two years Mom has been attending counseling...I think for depression, but I don't know for sure, as she doesn't discuss it. While there have been slight improvements, I think for the most part her counseling is teaching her to be a victim of her childhood rather than a responsible adult. Mom often reminds us that her therapist says she should do whatever she wants to do. My Dad is very patient - I don't know how he can stand it! Sometimes I wish he would step in and tell my mother how she hurts us all.

I wonder if anyone has any advice for me. I just find it very difficult to not let this affect me - I'm in a grumpy mood often, but I don't want to to make everyone else's lives miserable just because I'm unhappy. I guess because I'm the oldest, I feel very protective of the rest of my family. I don't want my Mom to give up on being a mother when she still has two teenagers and an 11-year-old! I don't want my Mom to treat my Dad like a walking paycheck when he sacrifices so much so that she can stay home with her kids and live comfortably.

I don't know where my place is in this situation. Do I patiently hold in all these feelings hoping for Mom to get better, or should I somehow confront the problem? I love my mother, but I'm finding it very hard to like her at this time (if that makes sense). I know this sounds terrible, but sometimes I don't even feel like being happy, because I don't feel like she deserves a share of any joy that I may feel, because she makes so many lives difficult (that's not how I feel all the time, only on particularly bad days).

Thanks for listening. Any advice would be appreciated!