Biiv,

I am so sorry you are going through such a complicated thinking time in your life. I know for me, there have been many points like that which actually end up being turning points in my life. It's like the past isn't working, but the future has no form or shape, giving the feeling of complete desparation & confusion. It's like being at the edge of a black hole. When I am at a point like that, I don't even know what thoughts to have, so all kinds of meaningless things pop into my mind.

It's not something I could explain...how can you explain something that you don't even know???? Usually I didn't even know that it was a turning point....it just felt that everything was wrong & nothing was right nor could I figure out what should be right so the mind wanders to anything that comes into it.

The worst one of those times, I totally gave up on life & all I could think of was ending it all. Those were the worst case of hurting myself that could have ever possibly been. It ranged from OD'ing to anorexia to anything that popped into my mind.

I have been thinking about your post & trying to come up with some suggestions of what might be things to talk about in your therapy session this morning...(sorry I have taken so long....have a slow mind right now) . You say that you know why you feel the way you do, but don't know why it is effecting you the way it's doing??? (if I read that right?) Maybe you could touch on some of the why's. You have a lot going on in your life...including the stress of supporting your mother.

Sometimes when I just start talking about what is going on in my life in therapy, it magically brings up some of the things that are bothering me & gives them some insight as to asking other questions that lead to other things....kinda the "snowball effect ". The reason that talking while drunk seems to work is because, in most cases, alcohol releases our inhibitions & lets us talk about what our mind it thinking.....otherwise, our mind stops us from saying those things when we actually think about them.

Maybe you could talk about how supporting your Mother is effecting you. What thoughts are in your mind & how you are feeling when you are doing that. All of a sudden, the roles have been changed because it's parents that are supposed to be listening to us, not the other way around. Sometimes just talking about anything will bring up points to give the therapist insight on what to work on. Maybe you could figure out those questions you can't ask...bit at a time...not necessarily wanting answers, but they can give insight as to what is making you ask those questions....which may be more important than actually answering them anyway.

When I first started with therapy, I just sat there week after week after week without saying anything. That was a total waste of money.

I appreciate your compliments....thank you.....(blushing bright red). I appreciate you being willing to share with me your ideas & thoughts about separations. It would definitely be a good thing to see how others feel about separating...even new thoughts I haven't even recognized are good to learn about. I always appreciate other opinions. These are things that help me think my situation through much better with more information to draw from.

It is so sad that with your love of horses you have been forced away from them....we can talk about that in a PM.

I hope your day goes better today....you are in my prayers that come with a lot of gentle hugz,
(((((((((((((((Biiv)))))))))))))))),
Debbie (your adopted Mom)

ps: will PM when I get some time