It's not real.

I know I've said it before, but it can't be. I function too well. Every day I get up and leave the house; I get antsy if I don't, like staying in will made me worse. I generally take care of myself, mainly because I have a low threshold for how 'gross' I can handle feeling. I only think about suicide in extremely occasional bursts that distress me (though I have experienced those 'casual' thoughts too). Everything bores me, unless I'm obsessed with it. My emotions are erratic, my entire mood and outlook seems to shift by the hour some days; today was one of them in fact. I read, watch videos, laugh and other normal things, and nothing is forced. But there's no substance to it, I feel hollow no matter what. It's hard to describe. I have drive, kind of, but I can never manage the "bury yourself in work" thing, though damn would that be useful.

I've never experienced lying in bed for days or not being able to eat (if anything, I'm likely to make myself eat when I'm not hungry just to have something to do). I've never experienced constant, powerful suicidal urges. I've never experienced anhedonia or true numbness (just situational numbness). I've never burst into tears for no reason. Never done anything real depressed people do.

I'm not depressed, I'm just a ****up. But being a ****up makes me sad, so I post here.