I have lost about 45 years of my life due to MI and self-medicating with alcohol. I was always known as the "crazy" guy who would do anything, anytime, anywhere. Without alcohol I would have died many, many years ago as it stopped me from being totally psychotic.

I saw psychiatrists and doctors along the way who tried several different meds on me but when I didn't get instant results I went back to booze. Now at 55 I am on the full regimen of psychiatric drugs and very rarely drink. Only now I have no incentive to do anything, I won't go out by myself, I won't talk on the phone and I have broken all ties with ALL friends and family members. The only person in my life is my wife, and my doctor when I need refills.

I need to get the "old me" back but I know the alcohol would kill me sooner than my meds. But I am so tired of spending up to 16 hours a day on my computer, every day, 7 days a week while not doing anything else except the dishes (my wife does everything else).

I guess I really dont know what to do anymore. I am tired of suffering either way.