I had this huge realization the other day in therapy that has not helped my depression at all. If anything, it seems to have made it worse. I always thought there was just something WRONG with me, that people did not really love me the way I love them. I know intellectually that it is the type of person I am involved with that is really at issue, but I suddenly realized that thinking the problem was me meant the problem was fixable. It gave me hope, that someday, somewhere, I would fix myself and have the kind of love and partnership I feel like I desperately need -- that person who will really have my back and be on my side. If I am not defective, then that means there is no hope. What IS now is just what always will be.

Not sure if this is making any sense. A friend made some really astute comments about how I don't even have my own back because I would hurt myself in an effort to help a friend, and about how what makes me feel safe is not what makes my H feel safe. My attempts at feeling safe probably make my H feel unsafe, and so he finds it very hard to try to create safety for me, because those "safe" actions for me feel so very unsafe to him. It made total sense when she said it. Still not sure I am making sense.