All of you probably know that many of things I have been doing on this site are not exactly truthful. First I am going to do my best to explain myself. Please understand that by doing this I am not saying that hurting you was okay. I just hope to be understood better by those of you who are willing to do that.

When I was a child it was suspected that I may have high functioning autism. I truly identified with people who are autistic and I felt comfortable, long before I ever joined this site, identifying as that. The world made more sense to me that way. I always liked certainty, routines, and that type of thing. But people in my life never understood this. I guess you could say they had too high of expectations for what I could handle. No one allowed me to be this "person" who was safe and secure, in a world I created where nothing ever changed, everything was safe. I guess you could say they never joined me in that world. So I was alone in it and judged and abandoned by those around me, especially my mother when I was 15 years old.

I created this world for myself because I literally cannot handle the outside world, the real world. Any time I tried to explain this to people in an intelligent manner, they refused to accept it. Instead they told me I had to grow up, face things, and love myself. All I ever got was lectures and no acceptance. It got worse after my mother left because I felt like no one loved me in that exact way I need to be loved, and any time I brought this up, I was told to love myself. I question this because: how can you love yourself if no one shows you how by loving you? No one would say that to a 6 year old; but simply because years had passed I was expected to be at a place I wasn't-emotionally and in a lot of ways mentally. Sort of like telling a plant to water itself.

Then I joined Psych Central, initially just for human contact. The only friend I had ever had in real life was telling me I needed to find other people to talk to because I was draining her. I started talking about my feelings and how I identified with autism, and I thought that I probably did have autism. When I joined chat, I wanted it to be a safe place where I could be myself and say random things that other people never understood and that to be accepted instead of people being mean to me for being different like in real life. At first people were mean to me when I would say things. They didn't seem to understand why I would do that and didn't want me to because it was annoying(I was typing like I am now then, only saying the things I say that people would find "weird", like repeating things, because that's what makes me comfortable). Then one day another member asked me if I have autism. They had heard me talking about it before so I said yes.

All of a sudden, because of this information, people stopped arguing with me, stopped telling me not to say certain things, and stopped getting angry at me. And I started to feel safe because for once in my life, I couldn't be judged. Over time I started automatically morphing into the person my mind created. This happened because every time I did something, no matter how small it was, people gave me the love and support I had been craving my whole life. It was like putting food in front of someone who hadn't eaten in 21 years. I am not trying to not take responsibility for my actions by saying this but I truly feel that my mind did this on its own. But I could have stopped it if I had thought of other people besides myself.

It was as if, finally, for the first time ever, people were joining me in my world. My safe, secure world where I could never get hurt, everything was the same, and no one questioned me for being the way I truly felt inside, saying the things I felt, and enjoying the things I loved. I was in state group homes as a teenager and I was told I'm not supposed to like playing with toys, coloring and watching cartoons. Because I could argue my point intelligently, they refused to hear it. I was constantly told to grow up no matter how I tried to explain myself. So when I moved in with my room mate, I shut the outside world out completely. That person you thought I was? I was her all of the time. Because I never did anything with my real life, people in my real life didn't understand me. You did.

It's honestly very hard for me to explain how my typing came to change. Again, I could have stopped it. I chose not to after some point because I would lose the only people I felt had ever truly loved and cared about me in my life, which has now happened with many people. I had tricked my mind into believing I was that person, tricked myself into blacking out the lies I gave to support the things I said (that I still lived in a group home when I hadn't for 2 years, my pet dog was a service animal) because it all became real in this world I created.

I have now explained myself the best I could, so what's more important than that is this: I hurt and deceived a lot of people here. People I came to love and treasure, the very people in the world who don't deserve to be hurt by others. It hurts me the most knowing that--not that I'm going to lose many of you, but that I have done this to you. You meant everything to me. You were my world. And I disgraced your trust. I will never forgive myself for that. All of you deserve better than you get, not only from me but you don't deserve these illnesses. You don't deserve pain or suffering at all. If I had a magic wish, I would somehow remove all the pain and suffering in the world. I don't understand the purpose of pain and hurt, why things have to happen to cause it.

It works like a cycle, I have been hurt, so I hurt others in the process of trying to undo my hurt, now some of you will have no choice but to hurt me and I accept it, because really its not you, I have hurt myself by doing this. My love for you was always real. It's as real as love can ever get, because even though I know many of you are going to stop speaking to me, many of you don't like me at all despite what I've done, and I still love you the same as I always have. The certainty I created lets me say that. Before I joined Psych Central I had given up that there was any good or hope in the world. Youchanged that. Not because of the things I did or said, but because of who all of YOU are. Someday you will be rewarded for making this world a better place. I say that to each and every one of you, no matter how you feel about me after finding out this information.

I have decided to take a break from this website for awhile and try to heal, and give you time to deal with this. I know that when I return many of you won't want to talk to me anymore, ever. As painful as that will be, somehow, in the same way I trained my mind to become this person, I will have to learn to accept that. Some things you can't undo in life, sometimes the consequences you face for your actions are permanent and life long. I have learned that. If I could turn back time, what I would do is: When people said things about the way I was acting, I would explain like I did above instead of letting it turn into something exaggerated like I did. I would have accepted that not everyone would understand and not expected that. I would have never hurt any of you, and been grateful for those of you who spoke to me and came to love me. Maybe I wouldn't have as many people had I done that, but at least the ones I would have would have never been hurt. No one would have gotten hurt in this way. That would have been wonderful.

I beg of you to do one thing, if I've ever asked you anything and meant it with all of my heart it's this: If you have children, love them. Don't ever doubt your love for your children and make sure they always feel safe and supported. Many of you know this from your own experiences, but the damage from not being nurtured properly as a child is catastrophic and irreversible. Even if you don't have children, or if you do, if you know someone who is hurting, love them. Give the same love you gave me to someone else, someone who deserves it.

I love each and every one of you, for the love you gave me, but also for the lessons you have taught me. Even if you never speak to me again (it's often best for people to cut contact with me) I hope that you can overcome the hurt you feel that I have created and not hate the world simply because you met a bad person (me).

I love you all and I am sorry.

If you ever think of me, listen to this song and hear the words I say to this entire community, the world and myself: