This is my first post on this forum and I just wanted to share what I am going through and see if anyone has had similar experiences. I have been seeing a T from a cancer charity for 4 months now for bereavement but inevitably all the stuff from my past has been affecting the way that I have been dealing with it. Now that she knows about some of it and knows the in depth attachment theory based therapy that I need she has said that she cannot do this work with me, it will be too long term and the charity is not funded for it.

I really started to trust her, the only person that I have ever told these things too and the only person that I actually felt like I could start to open up to and start to ask things from. Problem is, when I did ask (if she could hold my hand and really help me to connect with her etc) she has had to 'pass me on'. So now I am having to look for a new T and I really don't want to, I want to work with her. She does work privately but the contract agreement says that she can't see privately clients that she has seen through the charity. I want to get angry about this but as usual I just bury down my feelings because there really is no point in having them.

I have seen one new T but I didnt feel that she liked me, (my stuff probably, not hers) and I really didn't think it would work. I can't explain it really, I just didn't feel that I could work with her, she scared me even more than usual. My old T came along to this session but the new T tried to get me to say she could leave on more than one occasion. Luckily my old T said that she wasn't going anywhere if I didn't want her to leave even though the 'new' one said that it wasn't a matter or wanting but of being able to bear it. Well, she lost me at that point completely. She knew how scared I was too, couldn't move, couldn't talk about anything other than really safe topics etc.

Anyway, I have a session with my old T tonight and then I see two new Ts next week (if I can muster the courage to go as it will have to be on my own this time) and then only one more session with the T I like. I just don't know what the point of going is, except for the fact that I need someone to hold onto at the moment otherwise I think I might be on the slippery slope again, leading me into making some really stupid decisions. I don't have a support network at all outside of T so it really is my lifeline at the moment and it is being taken away from me.

I know that I am going to have to grieve this loss and that this will be the only thing that I will want to work on with the new T until I know I can start to trust them. Only one of the five that I contacted even acknowledged how difficult leaving her must be and I am drawn to her because of it. I wonder whether I will feel comfortable with her when I see her next week.

I don't really know where this is going but I guess I am wondering whether anybody has had any good experiences of transitioning from a T you really like, who 'got' you and you were starting to make progress with to a new T -because you had to not because you wanted to.

Any other thoughts, suggestions and comments welcome, thanks.