i'd love to talk more, in fact, I need to. It has been helpful reading your and Alexandra's experiences here. Mine are coming a bit more into perspective. As you said about addicted, that is what happened to me... totally addicted, or, actually, betrayal bonded would be more accurate, which is a form of addiction. (Patrick Carnes: The Betrayal Bond.

It was the combination of good and bad and missatunement .............. they 'M. therapists', - I repeated with several, could get staight through to my soul, - here was the potential for healing and understanding I'd searched for all my life. Great!! but there was an undercurrent from hell, and I could see that in the literature, but I wanted to break through.
It seemed like the price I had to pay was my soul. They would say that is my schizoidness and that its transference, ie, me projecting onto them. Some of it is, but I couldnt get back into reality because they kept doing this stuff. Of course I tried to protest, but it didnt stick.

I do want to go back, but when I have learnt an ability to confront, and stand my ground. And that is something I need to learn for my life anyway.
It was like, as you described Gerba, I was acting out, paralysed, couldnt self activate, all my focus was on conversations in my head, one cant combat that stuff, once it has got inside you, or at least I couldnt then.
"......about a supercharged relationship that is so compelling it can kill you" Patrick Carnes. That totally fitted, no exaggeration.

However, I continued to read the literature and still find I love the understanding and the truth I get from it, so the reality here is all conflicted. But I do know one heals in relationship.
As therapy seems so perilous, my wish, my dream, is for a fellowship for this stuff as an alternative, and be less dependent on them.

I'm not sure when I'll be ready to go back, but it feels like getting quite near. Would love support here to stand my ground with my own truth if I go back.

riverx