i filed for help i think late 2012- beginning of 2013... they kept denying me and i finally got a court hearing in feb.. for april...

only a couple more weeks before then...

i have had these issues my whole life so when i was denied the first time i was shocked... then the 2nd.. 3rd...
the mental health clinic i was seeing was encouraging me to get this help...

i have been diagnosed a few times and have been trying to do treatment the whole time i've been trying to get benefits... but my problem obviously is more comlpicated than just some simple faking to get government money...
only towards end of last year i quit the clinic to get away from misdiagnosis and all the drugs that i didnt need to hopefully find a doctor that would accurately diagnose and treat me...

i mean at the clinic they kept telling me "the diagnosis isn't important"
and when i said how is it not important? how do you treat something if you dont know what it is you are treating? they would say things like "its the symptoms that we treat, we manage the symptoms" and thats fine, i understand but you are treating a symptom - which can be part of several dissorders and treatment for different disorders should be handled differently... but im not a doctor and maybe im just full of @^$# and dont know what im talking about... just didnt like being called bipolar and told that im manic when i knew that i was not having any mania or bipolar... how can you trust a team when they claim you are manic...? wasn't manic... was severely depressed and severely anxious... cant even tell the difference between mania and severe anxiety...? aff.... but i guess they like to treat mania and anxiety the same way - 20mg zyprexa 600 mg seroquel - add some depakote and perphenazine and hey, why not lithium?
bloody idiots.... maybe some people wanna take a mixture of drugs that would make a normal person stare at the wall all day, but i dont wanna take all those pills even though they didnt make me completely zonked out... but is because im used to taking a lot of drugs anyway... but i still had the anxiety and depression and all of the addded side effects and i just hate it... seems like my efforts are futile...

having adhd ontop of all that problably doesnt help...

i am young and i dont want to live off of this stuff... dont want to use disability my whole life...
but i can not function... every day i am just fighting to keep myself alive...
im struggling so hard...
i can't support myself at all... i can barely feed myself or take care of myself at all... if it wasn't for my parents i would be dead, i am certain...

i just need a little help to pay for things.... i need the help so i can get treatment i need... i can't get better like this and feel like this illness is going to kill me...
i am so scared that i am going to be denied again.... and i dont know what i am going to do if that happens... if i cant get treatment...
i dont want to die i just want help... i want a life... a real life....
i dont want any of this... but i dunno what to do... i have no choice but to try to fight it because i cant just make it go away... but i need help... i cant do this on my own... i have learned that over my life trying to do it all on my own... i scare myself sometimes because i get so depressed... i hate it so much...

i just cant get any treatment because i have no money... i have no insurance... i have no transportation... i just have nothing... i am hopeless... this is like the last ... this is my last hope... i know im not going to survive without treatment... just cant get any help...

for example my cousin received ssdi on the first attempt within like 3 months of filing... i dunno why, why did he get it so easy?
his problems are no where near as complicated as mine obviously... he doesn't have the MDD like me... he doesnt have ADHD or PTSD... he has OCD... and anxiety... social phobia... but he never did treatment, he has never done therapy or really attempted to fix the issues, he just uses it as excuses ...

but someone like me that is on the verge of death is denied... because i make myself stand up, bleeding, wobbling, barely able to walk and weak from malnutrtion.. and they wont help me...

i have been diagnosed with adhd... severe mdd recurrent... ptsd... somatization disorder... panic disorder... gad... social phobia... avpd... blablablabla... some other things i cant think of at the moment even...

whats the point...

what if they deny me again... i would have to start the whole process over all again and go through another lengthy waiting session... i dont think i can do it... i cant do it anymore... im so tired...

i just want help... god thats all i want... i know i will have these problems my whole life but i just want help to live with it... maybe even help to make a life, fulfilling, for myself one day...

it just seems so backwards...
i feel like i am the person this system they devised is supposed to help...
but i feel like they are only helping people that take advantage and abuse the system...
i need help... please... just save my life...
give this to me so i can get treatment... i dont even want the money... i just want help... i have lived like this for too long... im falling apart and everyone around me is starting to realize how sick i am because i cant hold it together anymore... need to crawl into hole in the wall...

i refuse to go back to that community clinic where the pdoc was aggressively treating me for bipolar and not listening to anything i say.... i cant go back to him... i cant do it.......

i dunno what to do... im just scared and alone and its terrifying because all i want is peace... but im afraid the only way i'll have any peace is when the lights go out for ever...

sorry, im just scared about this... feel like my judgement day...
will i get help? will they kick me to the curb? will they just give me a coffin and tell me to off myself?

i just dont understand this world... im at the end of my roads... all of the roads...

everytime i write it sounds so bad...