yeah i have a lawyer now.. i should have had a lawyer in the beginning but i figured the medical record would speak for themselves but apparently not...
i tell myself the lawyer wouldnt be working the case if she didnt think we could win...
they've been handling the case for about a year ½ trying to get a court hearing.. so i guess they think we will win... i need it... just been trying to be patient for so long...
the ilnness has just been getting worse... the depression has been the worse it has ever been ... i think its been 5-7 months so far for this "episode"...
my time perception is just off a bit... think i have been dissociating since i was a kid... i just cant tell if i am or when i am or whatever... i think its like a constant state for me most of the time... i've lived with it for so long its the only thing i know...
they never diagnosed me with any kind of disociation though that i know of... but i have never been able to get far into describing whats going on with me either because havnt really had a doctor that wanted to explore or try to help me figure out whats really going on... just had couple GPs rx antidepressants and 1 pdoc prescribe a bunch of antipsychotics and moodstabilizers and stuff...

i know the first time i felt it, i know it had to be dissociation though...(or derealization...?) it was before i was taken away to foster care... it was nothing bad going on, i was even playing hide and seek with my brothers and cousin... and i had just finished counting and was like ready or notttt heeere i come!! and i turned around and started walking to go around the house to look for them and i just felt suo weird... i felt like all at once everything was different... i had strange thoughts pop into my head thinking about if what i saw was real, if everybody else could see what i could see, or if everyone else was just in my mind and they couldn't see anything because they werent real.. it lasted what felt like minutes... but i dunno what happened after that its just blank... thats the first time and only time i felt like i could feel it... ever since then its just been a ... part of me i think... i dunno... sometimes its hard to love yourself, isnt it... how can you love something that is so miserable and sick.... i hate this stuff... just want a glimmer of light, slither of hope, something to say that maybe just maybe i can have a life... i want a life, i dont want this.... god i hate ideations....