Hello all,

I am rather tired and english is not my main language, but I will try to write as clearly as possible.

I am 25 years old and have had three hospitalizations in my life. One at 19, one at 23 and one at 25. During my recent hospitalization the doctors thought that "I might have bipolar disorder", since then I've been on lithium.

A description of my hospitalizations:

1) 1st

It was just about to finnish high school, and I suddenly got problems with my ears. My hearing was very much affected. I panicked about this situation because I thought my life now was ruined. I went to many doctors and kept obsessing about my ears. I just couldnt relax and just let my ears heal in time. I went to so many doctors. This continued for maybe 3 months or so, I cant really remember.

The plan for me was to move abroad after high school because I had a job in the hotel industry. Because of my problems with my hearing, I had to stay home. This of course made me depressed. As time went by, and I kept obsessing about my hearing problems and my failure to move abroad, I developed panic attacks. The attacks continued, and eventually I was hospitalized because my grandfather (who I lived with) just couldn't handle me.

I was released after about 3-4 days when Lyrica helped me stop my panic attacks.

2) 2nd

I went with my ex girlfriend to a new city because we were going to study together at university. I thought the studies were difficult. My girlfriend was very jealous so I couldn't get to know my classmates outside of class as much as I wanted. I tried to study real hard but it just didnt go as well as I wanted, and I started to get very stressed out. Eventually every day felt like a failure.

I remember for example one day when me and my girlfriend got home and the plan was for both of us to study. She was sitting in one room, and I sat in the kitchen. After about 15 mins or so I just flipped out. I started screaming at my girlfriend and then I didn't get anything more done that night. The pattern of me not feeling effective in my studies continued. One day for example we went home to my girlfriends parent and I just kept crying all the time. I was devastated for my failure. Shortly after this I quit my programme, convinced that I had chosen the wrong degree.

We stayed in the city because my girlfriend was still studying. I took a job as a waiter. A month or so after I quit the studies I started to become depressed. I couldn't get my mind off that I had made the wrong decision to quit my studies. I thought about it all the time. With time I quit eating, lay in bed all day, and started to get into arguments with my girlfriend. I thought I had ruined my life.

Eventually we both moved back to our home town. I took one of my old jobs, caring for disabled people. I was still very depressed. Eventually I started losing my grip on reality. I cant remember everything. But with time me and my girlfriend even hit each other. Very sad. And in the end I thought my employer was gonna put the police on me because I looked "out of shape at work" (which wasnt really true, really). So I called my mother that I was gonna take the plane to Asia because the police were going to get me. She called the police, and then I was hospitalized for the 2nd time.

3) 3rd

After my 2nd hospitalization I eventually moved to another city alone and tried to study the same degree again. It worked well for 2.5 years. During the last term I had gotten uncertain about my degree again. Was I studying the wrong degree? I kept thinking about other alternatives all the time during the last term. When we got off from school for christmas I fell into depression right away. When I left school from the last class of the term I didnt know where to go. I remember going to a mall and just feeling lost in life.

After a couple of days I went home to my old town, because I thought it would make me feel better. Things just got worse. As soon as I came home I felt like a total failure in life. Why did I choose this bloody degree? I kept obsessing about other alternatives, and kept wondering if I had chosen the wrong degree. I felt depressed.

I went to my mother for christmas. It was a horrible christmas. I was very depressed. Just wanted to sleep and felt very down.

When school started again I was still very depressed. By the time the first exam was given to us I had started to lost my grip of reality. I tried to do the exam paper despite the fact that I had lost my ability to sleep. I remember walking around campus psychotic, when I realised I couldnt do the exam.

Eventually I chose to take a gap-year. I didnt know if I want to study this anymore, and I was still depressed. Eventually I stopped eating. I couldnt sleep. I thought that my neighbours were listening to me. In the end I tried to hang myself. My mother found out and drove me to hospital. I spent one month there.

General facts about me

*I have been depressed many times over the years, but not so severe as these episodes above.

*I have never been manic

*During periods in my life I have been very productive. Very good grades, hold jobs the same time as studying, doing lots of exercise... I call this being goal-oriented, not hypomanic. Ok, sometimes I think a lot, and I get ideas of new hobbys to pursue... very goal-oriented.. I also sometimes listen to motivation videos on youtube and feel "pumped up" or "very strong mentally".. but I dont think this is being hypomanic...

*During my 3rd hospitalization the doctors said that bipolar disorder was likely from their observations of me in the clinic. Yes, I got very "up" soon after I was hospitalized. Started doing internet dating a lot for example... Well, if they throw every medication they have at you, and give you ECT three times a week, you get pretty speedy and excited dont you? I might be wrong here but its my opinion

Sorry for a very long text. But its hard to understand my situation otherwise. What are your thoughts? Do you think I have bipolar disorder? My doctors still arent sure yet, and I am going to meet a new one at monday. When I do tests for bipolar like MDQ I get a negative, and tests for bipolar like BDS I only score a "moderately likely... My gut is telling me that I dont have bipolar disorder, and just want to quit Lithium because I feel apathetic.