Hello Byzantine: Over the periods of time I've spent here on PC, I've read quite a few posts similar to yours in one way or another. (Perhaps this is because I have had my own struggles in this area... so I typically read & reply to posts of this sort.) Anyway, from my perspective, what you have going on is not all that unusual, if that's any consolation.

I do understand what keeping a secret such as this can do to a person. I kept many secrets literally for decades until they drove me to try to kill myself. And, in fact, I still have many of them. I celebrate the fact that you are seeking professional assistance in order to come to terms with your fantasy. Good luck with your efforts!