Today had been mixed, I think. Woke up at 4 again but it was less but since it less it's worse because it's like I'm expecting a punch and cringing in waiting. Went to walk and found that my tai-chi class was still on, which was awesome but my mind took too much to relax and the walk I found so many bad thoughts about myself and life. Breakfast was nice and I found that one of my terrific obsessive thoughts wasn't so bad and I cried when my mom accepted me and explained to me she passed the same thing and it means we don't love us.

Went to do chores and I managed to almost no buy anything to eat, but I bought a bag of peanuts (gave more than half to a person in need) and a spring roll + water made all the money wasted today 47 which was more than half of an entire hour of work and that made me feel so guilty.

Returning a person who says he knows me offered me a ride. For my life, I can't still picture it and I was afraid to get up but so embarrassed (and there was a line behind us) that got up anyway and asked me to take me to Oxxo instead of my home. Couldn't stop thinking that he might want to me to implicate me in some narc business and that's why he offered me a ride and a photograph were taken and I would have the police at my front door and jail until I wrote it up to see how silly it sounded.

Talked finally with my psychiatrist and it nearly took my ear off. Pretty much what I was doing was stupid, I should have stayed with 1mg of Ativan and the reason he told me I could change it and downgraded it for lower doses was because "if you want to mess with your medicine, it's your business. But take the Ativan as I told you, 1mg until what your therapist told you. Follow orders and you are not addicted to the medicine, good night" and so, well, my bad I guess. But it made me happy to know that I can come back to my medicine as it should be as if that would make all this pain go away which I put on my list of insane thoughts.

Oh, I made a list of insane thoughts think that pass my mind and so many that I change my behaviour for and honestly, I had quite the esoteric religion in my hands.

Feeling better but I still need to explaining things too much, to vomit my feelings and my back is hurting, but it's better. It's getting better, I hope.