Dear all,

I am so very sorry that I might've offended anyone by my ranting so viciously yesterday. I was very dismissive.

I don't know what exactly happened honestly.

Or I am actually afraid I do: what has been kept under the rug for many, many years, is now given way due to an absence of instability. I haven't been used to needing any help self-sabotaging during unstable times. Now my bad character takes the role of saboteur and sometimes centre stage.

Really, such vicious anger is something from way back (except for during mania, but even then it is not (so) vicious) and scary. Many self-sabotaging incidents, already.

I still think it is preferable to many worse/actual psychotic problems and helps contain those.

I know what triggered it: a strong idea about self-affirmation and self-assertion, building confidence, by slandering or belittling, mostly because of uncertainty about oneself: one's acceptance and one's virtues.

I am particularly strongly triggered by this kind of behaviour when one is part of a minority and disadvantaged group of people. We can't afford people distancing themselves from others. Stigma will grow further if groups are divided more. Kicking someone who is already down is just horrible and almost unforgivable, in my book.

In general (which says nothing about most of you), I believe people have more national pride and quasi-confidence about their country if they are less established, time-wise or culturally: much analogous to the behaviour on a personal level. That's why I so viciously and without any nuance attacked those living in the US.

I was overtaken by fury. I will do some real soul-searching to find out how I can become not only stable, but also more balanced.

I don't think it has anything to do with being in a BP episode (I still can't see how I could be). Or being drunk.

Regardless, I take full responsibility for my actions.

I just snapped and did you all a great injustice.

I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me and leave this behind us (maybe you think: what did you do exactly?). It was pretty inexcusable, the way I acted.

See it as a sign of your worth and my love that I (tried to) make myself intolerable.

Edit:
It might be turning into something somewhat manic, sometimes dysphoric. Thanks to everyone that—with empathy and respectfully—said in might be.