I asked a coworker about getting another therapist as an adjunct temp or permanent. I am so exhausted that I wish I had done this weeks ago.

I hate drugs but took my lexapro happily for years. Now I have doubled the lexapro and take seroquel nights and rispardal days and was taking klonopin for 4 days this weekend. I am sleeping .... but I do not see the depression lifting. (Small doses of the seroquel and rispardal but still sometimes I wonder if I am coming or going....)

I am afraid to look at that article.....but let me think about it.

When you were so depressed did you find that you were sometimes normal like at night? Tonight I am not even that so I hope tonight does me well.

You were able to think enough to do good work? I am looking for diversions as I seem to need to be around others...but also get nervous....oh ya...ativan too.

I tend to want to go to the hospital like it is a goal or something and I do not understand that as it is only temporary and would screw up my work life...at least I think.

I was this bad close to 20 years ago and survived but was hospitalized. This is not a realistic option. It is like I am damning myself.

Way back then I went to groups. I have no kids or hubby to attend to but the kitties are huggable.

I ramble on. Wishing for strength this evening ....but pdoc in the morn.

There is nothing they can do for me in the hospital...so why can I not give that idea up?

I will ask my pdoc about another therapist or some way to help...though he wants me to figure it all out myself. Not sure I have the strength for this right now.

I admire your journey and tenacity Sunny.