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SecretGarden said:
When you were so depressed did you find that you were sometimes normal like at night? Tonight I am not even that so I hope tonight does me well.

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It is very typical of my depression to be worse in the morning, lift a bit during the day, but then come back late at night once my husband goes to bed. These are the mild to moderate depressions. When I get into a severe depressive episode, there is not a minute of the day in which I feel better. The depth of the depression is consistent throughout the day.

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able to think enough to do good work?

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In a mild to moderate depression, yes. With a very big push, I can still work. And it helps. In a severe depression, I have closed the door to my office, put my head down, cried, and accomplished next to zero. At my internship, this is rare. There has only been one time in which I felt as though I was thinking of myself before the patients and that my own issues were jeopardizing the quality of the therapy that I was giving.

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I tend to want to go to the hospital like it is a goal or something and I do not understand that as it is only temporary and would screw up my work life...at least I think.

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I have thought about this as well. Quite recently. In fact T had mentioned the hospital and I was horrified and relieved at the same time. I do not understand either, why I would want to go to the hospital. I mean, that would screw up school/work/internship. Aside from that, I was hospitalized once, 8 years ago, and it was a very traumatic experience. Well, maybe I do understand why... I think the hospital serves as a "break." Not the type of break that is relaxing because being a patient is highly stressful. But to go to the hospital is to finally let yourself go and to say, "%#@&#! it. I can't handle anything anymore so I am going to take the most extreme measure of treatment possible and just screw everything for awhile." Sometimes it seems as though the hospital is the only thing that can really address the seriousness of the situation.

SG, I am thinking of you. PM me if you need anything. I am so glad that you are coming back on here and I hope that if anything, you can at least read our stories and relate a little bit. We are all here for you.