I'm thinking about several troubling things at once right now, so my mind's a bit foggy. Sometimes in regard to this kind of matter I wonder if my saving grace would be a goal. I talked about ambition a little, and I wonder if that's what I need: something in my life to devote myself to so neither meaninglessness nor radical change nor loss of self will matter, it will all be worth it.

I kind of don't count on that happening though.

I could, but to what?

Also, in relation to everything, where does the Self come into play? How valuable, really, is authenticity - because I know I cling to mine, even if it's personally detrimental, even if it makes me less respectable to those whose opinions I value. Feels like it's all I have to live on, however confused it might be, and any "loss" or substantial change could completely obliterate me. Stupid, but it's what I find I'm thinking about, and it's tangentially related.