Thanks for your answers.

The problem right now is that the last episode has ruined my thoughts about the future and I have suicidal thoughts because I dont know how to become happy again. I could cope with my first two episodes, but now its mentally game over because my "bad-memory-trunk" is full.

Anyone got any idea how to go on after a really horrible episode that caused really bad consequences? I just want to leave the world and my problems right now. Meds can make you feel better, but they cant change what have happend or make you set goals for the future again.