im ok.. confused but im ok..
just dont know who i am anymore i guess...
slept for 15½ hours... just have to go 1 day at a time i guess...
its just that i dont feel alive anymore... sometimes nothing really feels real or like anything matters...
i don't know if i will ever get better... or if i can get better even...

i used to think it was just anxiety and depression... simple enough i thought...
but it seems to be alot more... something is really really wrong with my mind...
im losing myself... who i am... or i have already lost...
im stuck on áutopilot... or something like that...

most of the time i just sit at my computer and just stare off into the distance...
try to occupy my mind sometimes by playing a video game or listening to music but it doesnt work much like it used to..
when talking to other people its not things i want to say... because usually i just want to scream and run away... words just come out...

the rest of the time i just try to numb everything with substances...

im just tired... so tired.. i want to be "normal"...
im afraid of myself... afraid my mind is going to cut "me" out of the loop completely...
what if i blackout and wake up 3-10 years later and not know anything...
i mean i cant remember the last year already but what if i just lose the last grip of "control" i have left..?

my life is not no where near as stressful as it used to be... but it seems everything triggers me... im just so tired... but im ok... there isn't anything i can do...
nothing anyone can do...
i just hope i can last long enough to try to get help...
if i develop psychotic features im going to lose it... i feel psychotic enough ... to start hearing more things than my own rants and ramblings... to see things.. i couldn't handle it...

i still have my left over antipsychotics though.. so if that happens hopefully they will help...
i just hate being afraid... hate this... these feelings..
but its like i said last night... seems like part of me feels completely indifferent... and feels like that part is getting stronger... what if that part takes over my mental control... snapping into a completely different persona...
that part of me does not feel good... seems like that part of me doesnt care about anything or anyone... i dunno i just feel like there is someone else living inside of me that is taunting and calling me out and blaming me for everything...
and as im getting weaker that part grows... i just have never heard anything about something like that before... always thought everyone has this 1 person inside that feels everything - the good and the bad and thats the part that they are connected with and talk to..

for example this part of me that im talking about is so vulgar... i mean i feel like it has to be "me" but it is not my personality at all... i don't curse EVER... im gentle caring kind and loving blablabla... but this part of me is so full of hate... so dark... almost evil it seems... it hates me... it hates everyone... the only thing it seems to like is drugs and sex... but i don't have a relationship so no sex - just drugs... and hate...
i dont know.. it just doesnt feel right... its not who i am... not me... '

is that normal...?

i dunno what to think or do so im just going to sit here for a while and try to contemplate.. things...
im just going to drink some coffee and try not to cry...

be strong everyone...