If you do post to this... pls know my DX is DID.. so "I" may not feel as you do...that there are alters that "house" different feelings...

I am seeking >>>> understanding <<<<<<<

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And doesn't that make you angry? the question my pdoc asks me every 4-6 weeks.. for about 4- 5 years.. and I say "no".. why would I be angry?

I feel enormous shame.. a sense of "unrealness"....
an enormous amount of self awareness - looking for years and years at my body.. trying to "figure" out what was wrong with it.. that it caused men to do "this"... my Dad, and the peodphile... and finally my husband who raped me..

This teacher.. who abused me during "study hour"... then the "blackboard" was "wiped clean"... and "nothing" happened for the rest of the day..

I mean.. as an adult,, I still can't understand... I say that sometimes... I "just" don't understand out of the blue- those words come out of my mouth..

How do you as an adult .. "have sex" with a child.. in the middle of the day.. then the very next hour.. get up.. in front of a group of children.. and teach a class - lead a band..cheerful.. full of energy.. happy..

Does No One.. understand what I am trying to say??

I mean.. the "unrealness" of the "realness"..

Shouldn't there have been an "indication" - like maybe.. Oh.. a big neon sign.. saying "I just violated a child"
or something subdued.. like.. maybe his hair messed up.. or his tie crooked.. or.. maybe.. a missing belt.. SOMETHING..

To this day.. I remember exactly what he looked like.. wore exactly the same "outfit" every day.. maybe it would have helped.. if there was some differentness... but it was the same.. day after day.. Does anyone understand this???

White Shirt, Black Dress Trousers, Black Socks, Black shiny shoes - tied, Black narrow tie, Gold tie tack, Slicked back hair, comb in his back pocket.. breath mints in his front pocket.. bad breath.. covered up with mint.. large key ring clipped to his belt..


Does no one "understand" - what "this" did to ME? the person that had to straighten out clothing.. clean myself up.. worry about the physical pain - I mean.. thoughts like "it hurts"... "what just happened, what was that?" when I sat thru science class.. when I sat thru math class..sometimes.. "in shock"...
Getting on a bus of kids.. noisy.. pushing shoving.. after just having had sex with my teacher.. "in shock" once more.. the noise level a further assault to me..

7th grade.. pretty much mute... traumatized..... then further traumatized because teachers would first comment about my muteness in class.. then later at parent /teacher conferences.. my Mom.. begging me to just talk.. because she did not want to deal with the teachers.. just please say something.. I don't want another "call" she would say.. "I don't want to deal with this" - her very silent message to me..

Well...I still feel.. the enormous burden of shame.. the "ICK" factor.. the "ewieeeeeeeee" factor.. the "put on the right face" factor...the "fear" factor...the part of me that say "owie, owie,owie... cause sex hurt"..being scared.. does "that" make you die? when "will this burning, ripping feeling go away?".. "I can't sit down.. it hurts too much".....all those factors and more...

And the "unrealness" of the "realness"... THAT.. is what is bothering me the most.. that nobody says.. gezzzzzzzzzzz.. or thinks about the mechanics of the whole thing..

And that no one is OUTRAGED that this happened to ME..

Does no one care???? Is it still too taboo to talk about??
Why does no one say... I GET IT>>>>I GET IT

I understand... I understand that YOU.. lived in a world where.. you had to tell people.. I'M OK.. when you weren't OK...

I am tired.. and I needed to put these feelings somewhere..

I don't think I will understand..

Until... YOU tell me you understand...

"free will".....to select the people that now share my life.."



freewill