I'm sorry it took me longer to post than I said, the flu totally wiped me out



Thanks for thinking of me though!

I had gotten to the point where I was more stable. I've been doing therapy in the mornings and was working in the afternoons, which let me keep my job amd way more money than disability or anything. I hated a lot of things about my job and I was struggling, but after spending the morning in therapy it made me feel more normal to be at a "normal" job.

Anyway, I ended up missing 3 days of work (we get 5 days of paid sick leave per year), and was asked for a doctor's note. I missed these days because



I brought the note to HR, from my pdoc but very vague, "PF missed work for a medical reason..." But at the top, pdoc's letterhead says hospital psychiatry, so it was obvious it was from my pdoc. A few days later, I was pulled into a meeting room, told a psych reason was not good enough to take 3 sick days, and fired. It was also extremely sketchy the way it happened. I was physicalky ill (feverish) by then, and so panicked and shaky My manager had to turn the page of the paperwork they wanted me to sign because my hands were shaking so much. I kept saying I felt too out of it to sign anything and I'd bring it back the next day, and was told I WASNOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE BUILDING until I signed it. I was also told if I didn't sign it right then I would lose my severence pay. I looked at the paperwork a few days later (my copy), and I signed something saying I was given a week to sign it and the opportunity to consult with a lawyer. I feel so stupid. Why didn't I protect myself? I was so sick and so anxious, but I'm so mad at myself.

I was having such a hard time dealing with this, also with the fact tbat a bunch of "friends" from work removed me from Facebook. Feeling targeted and hated. And, yes, I cut again. I don't know how my therapist has so much patience with me. She made me go to the ER for stitches but she never gets mad about thr cutting, just worried/scared/serious. My pdoc is more strict, I had to hear again about how it's medically dangerous what I do. The truth is I struggle to care sometimes.

I feel like this year has just been one thing after another. It's been a year and I still feel a lot of pain about my ex-therapist. I feel angry that she could do things that were so clearly unethical and walk away with no guilt. I take responsibility for my own stupid actions, but I think that is a huge part of what started me cutting really badly again.

My pdoc wants me to consider a subsidized job for people who are mentally ill. I really don't want to. Either way, I have unemployment insurance for awhile but I've been having such a hard time since I got fired. It's more time to keep myself safe and to keep my thoughts from getting really dark.

I feel like things will never be okay. I have so much anxiety in my stomach.

I wish there was more positive in this. Maybe it's positive that I'm out of that environment??

Thanks everyone for remembering me